A Tail of Transmogrification
by muishiki
Summary: The world of Worm is grim dark - unless your best friend is an anthropomorphic tiger and you view everything as a six-year-old might see it. Crack fic, just so you know.
1. Chapter 1

"I can't understand why she even comes to school anymore."

"I know, right?"

"I mean, she's so ugly."

I ignored the taunts as I walked on. They were just a couple of Emma's toadies, anyway. My backpack rustled. Once I was out of earshot, I whispered,

"Forget it. They aren't worth it."

"But Taylor, you shouldn't let them talk to you like that!" came the muffled voice from her backpack.

"It's okay. Really. If Spaceman Spiff didn't talk when threatened by Space Squids, then Spaceman Spiff isn't about to cave to a few weak taunts."

"Then let me at 'em!"

I shook my head, my dark curls shaking along. "No. That'd be no different than if Spaceman Spiff used his zorcher on them. We're better than that."

The hallway was mostly clear at this point, as most students had headed off to lunch. I pushed open the door to the restroom and stepped inside, making sure nobody was inside. "Clear," I said.

I heard and felt the zipper on my backpack open, then a gasp of air. "Man, it's stifling in there."

I snorted. "You're the one who asked to come along. I offered to leave you at home."

"And miss my chance to see your school? No chance."

I walked to the sink to wash my hands, and peered in the mirror to see a furry tiger head sticking out of my backpack.

"Hey Hobbes."

"Hey Taylor." He looked around, craning his neck to peer at the dilapidated state of the bathroom.

"Nice digs."

"Yuck it up, furball." Before I got to say anything else, though, his ears perked up.

"Uh oh. Trouble!" With that, his head popped back into the my backpack and the zipper closed.

A few seconds later, Sophia Hess, Madison Clements, and Emma Barnes walked into the bathroom. They were smirking. It was too late for me to try and squeeze past them into the door. They must have followed me in here from the hall. That's one of the remarkable things about life. It's never so bad that it can't get worse.

"Talking to yourself, Hebert?" Emma said.

"She'd have to," Madison chimed in. "She's got no friends."

Sophia remained silent. I, too, chose to remain silent. There was no way I could get out of this without revealing my alter ego, and I was loathed to do that. I suppose Stupendous Woman, Defender of Liberty and Advocate of Freedom, would have to grit her teeth and bear it for the moment. But they would get what was coming to them, no mistake. Even if I couldn't have an actual victory here, a moral victory would suffice for the time being.

"Cat got your tongue, Hebert?"

I felt a rustle in my backpack. "Down boy," I whispered.

The three of them stared at me. "She really is talking to herself." Emma said.

"No, I'm just saving you three from a vicious mauling by a tiger. Trust me, it's better this way."

"Come on," Sophia said. "No point in tormenting the insane. The way Hebert's brain is wired, you can almost hear the fuses blowing. Plus, her crazy might be contagious. We don't want to catch the crazy."

The peals of laughter echoed in the bathroom as the door closed on their way out. Hobbes climbed out of my backpack, full sized and claws extended. I had to pull on his tail to prevent him from going out into the hallway and ripping the three girls to shreds.

"Really, Hobbes. Let it go. It's the principle of the thing."

"I don't need to compromise my principles, because they don't have the slightest bearing on what happens to me anyway," said he.

"You'll only make a bad day worse if you spend it wishing for the impossible," I said.

"Fine. But you and I are going out tonight, and we are going to have some fun."

I grinned weakly at that. There's an inverse relationship between how good something is for you, and how much fun it is. Hobbes' ideas of fun usually ended in disaster. But, I was also itching to do something. Since Hobbes woke up, I couldn't stand the idea of returning to my normal, boring existence.

The ride home from school was spent in quiet contemplation, with us both looking out the window. A few people glanced over at us, and I could tell by the way Hobbes' ears were twitching that they were talking about us. I guess that's par for the course when you've got a massive tiger sitting by the window seat of the bus. He didn't tell me what they said. It probably wouldn't have helped my mood, anyway. I didn't feel much like talking.

Dinner that night was a quiet affair. Dad made tortellini. I hate tortellini, which is funny, as I used to like it. Very little was said beyond pass the salt, please, and thank you. My dad frowned at me, and frowned at Hobbes, who sat in his place but didn't eat anything. I think he was saving his appetite for our excursion tonight.

I washed up the dishes when dinner was over, then retreated to my room. Hobbes said goodnight as well, but my dad didn't acknowledge him, which I thought exceedingly rude. Once upstairs, I pulled the school books out of my backpack and started repacking.

"You'll want the transmogrifier," Hobbes said.

"No duh."

"Just checking. I mean, this isn't exactly my first rodeo, but I want to make sure you're prepared," Hobbes said.

"What do you mean, this isn't your first rodeo?" I asked.

"I used to do this with your mom, back when she ran with Lustrum," Hobbes said. "Now those were fun times. At least, until Lustrum went off the deep end and your mom decided to pack it in."

"So why was Dad giving you such weird looks at dinner?" I asked.

Hobbes shrugged. "Not sure. He was never really comfortable around me. Plus, I think he still feels embarrassed around me given that I kept walking in on him and your mom having sex early on in their relationship."

"Eww, eww, ewww. I did not need to know that." I furiously packed my bag, trying get the image of my parents out of my head.

"Get over it, Taylor. Your parents had sex. Otherwise, you wouldn't be here."

"I know that intellectually, but I don't need to visualize it, thank you very much." I held up the Invisible Cretinizer. "You think I need this?"

"Can't hurt to bring it," Hobbes shrugged.

"Cerebral Enhancer?"

Hobbes scratched his chin. "You can probably leave that. Best not to risk it falling into the wrong hands."

"Right." I looked at my bag. It was fairly full, but most of the stuff in it could be easily reached. "I'm ready."

Hobbes tsked. "Aren't you forgetting something?"

I stared at him blankly until it clicked. "Oh, right!" I pulled out an old bedsheet that I had cut eyeholes in earlier. I whipped it around my head and tied the clasp, ready to go.

"How do I look?" I asked.

"Stupendous." Hobbes said. "Now you are ready."

I opened my window to fly off, but before I could launch myself into the air, my door opened and Dad-man stood there.

"And just where do you think you are going, young lady?"

I turned to Hobbes, who was imitating a stuffed animal on the bed. "Traitor." I said.

"... since Hobbes helped me out, I figured I owed to him. Besides, we were just going out to have fun," I said, taking a sip of tea. It had long since gone cold, but it gave me something to do besides talk.

"First your mother, now you…" Dad just scrubbed his face with his hands. Silence stretched between us for some time as he rubbed his eyes with his palms. "Taylor…"

"Stupendous Woman, please. I'm in costume. Just because you are my arch nemesis and can no-sell my powers doesn't mean you shouldn't respect the rules."

Dad raised a finger to reply, mouth open, though nothing was said. Finally, he let his finger fall and closed his mouth. "You know what? I don't want to know." He stood up, pulled a twenty from his wallet, placed it on the table. "Go do…" he waved his hands wildly "whatever you were going to do. Take your pepper spray. Call me if you get in trouble or arrested. Other than that, just… don't tell me anything that might incriminate me."

He walked over to the fridge and pulled out a six pack of beer. He opened one and chugged it, and chased that quickly with a second, all in less than a minute. I have to admit, I was impressed.

He gave me the gimlet eye as he cracked open a third. "You're still here?"

I shot up from the table and back to my room. Hobbes was filing his nails. "How'd it go?"

"As if you didn't know." I said.

The big tiger grinned. "Glad to see I still have that effect on him."

"What did you do?"

Hobbes just chuckled. "Nothing he didn't deserve."

I pulled my eyelid down and stuck my tongue out at her at the same time. "We doing this, or what?"

Hobbes climbed on my back. "Earth's excessive gravity is no match for Stupendous Woman's stupendous strength!" I declared, and with that, launched myself out the window. I was a crimson bolt blasting across the night sky, striking fear into the heart of evil doers.


	2. Chapter 2

The job as a receptionist at the Brockton Bay Protectorate was, for an entry level position, a pretty good job for Brockton Bay. Sure, you had to be young and pretty and be certified to use a firearm, and there was the distinct possibility you could end up in the line of fire should the building ever come under attack, but it paid well and the benefits were nothing to sneeze at. Tinker tech body armor helped mitigate the risk of injury in the case of an attack, and access to the Ward's gym alone was almost worth it, as the exercise equipment was world class.

After three years on the job, Jody had thought she'd seen it all.

Then a tall… person of indeterminate gender walked into the lobby holding a stuffed tiger and a duck in a cage. It was hard to tell the gender because the person had what appeared to be an old crimson bed sheet wrapped around the top half of his or her face, with a couple of eye holes raggedly cut out for vision. The rest draped over the shoulders to form a literal cape that hid the rest of his or her features.

That didn't mean the person didn't draw the attention of the various tourists and tour groups in the lobby. Camera phones came out, and a few flashes went off as people started to take pictures. Partly, that had to do with the duck that was quacking furiously and biting at the cage's bars. It might have also been because, the cape was wearing what was, bar none, the shittiest costume the receptionist had ever seen in nearly three years on the job.

The cape walked up to the receptionist's desk and placed the cage with the furiously quacking duck on top.

"May I help you?" Jody asked.

"Yes. I'd like to report the capture of a super villain," the cape said. She patted the top of the cage.

Jody stared. She looked at the duck, then back at the cape. "Of… course," she said. Surreptitiously, she pressed the panic button underneath her desk, all the while keeping a pleasant smile plastered on her face. A signal went out to the agents in the lobby, and they very quietly began to escort the tourists and visitors from the premises.

The cape before her tilted her head as if listening to something, then frowned.

Armsmaster entered the lobby moments later, stalking forward.

"I don't care if he sounds like a tuna can being opened, you cannot pounce on Armsmaster!" The cape said.

"Excuse me?" Jody asked.

"Nothing!" The cape blushed.

Armsmaster had reached the desk by then. Jody took the opportunity to quietly leave the scene, heading for one of the shielded egresses. She took a moment to look back to see Armsmaster cross his arms over his chest before making for the door.

Jody shivered. Maybe she should consider a transfer to L.A. She wasn't sure she cut out for this anymore.

* * *

Armsmaster stared down at the cape, reading the social prompts on his HUD as he contemplated initializing his predictive combat software.

"Oh my gosh!" The cape said. "Armsmaster! I have a pair of lucky underpants with your picture on them!"

This declaration caused the duck, which was already noisy enough, to erupt in a very vocal protestation of its current confinement.

Armsmaster ignored the duck, focusing on the fact that his HUD registered the statement as true. His social prompt told him to ignore commenting on the underwear and to initiate conversation pertaining to his or her business in the building.

"What brings you here today, Mr.?..." Armsmaster said.

"Mister? Mister?! I'll have you know I'm Stupendous Woman! I know I might not look like a pinup model, but can't you cut a lady a little slack?" the cape said back.

Armsmaster noted the instructions to mollify and move onto discussing business matters. "I apologize for the mistake. Your…" his eyes flicked back to his HUD, noting the possible avenues for discussion, "costume is very concealing. It won't happen again."

She grumbled under her breath. The duck recommenced attacking the bars, trying to chew through them with its beak.

"What can I help you with today, Stupendous Woman?" Armsmaster asked.

"Oh! Right! Well, I was out patrolling the city to strike fear into the hearts of evildoers and managed to capture a supervillain." She pointed to the cage. "I don't have the facilities to hold him for long, so I figured I'd do my civic duty and turn him over to the Protectorate."

The duck turned to glare at Stupendous Woman, and lifted a single wing in such a fashion that one feather stood prominently from the wing. Stupendous woman waved the stuffed tiger at the caged duck, which caused it to shrink back and quiver.

"Thank you, but you should have called the PRT if you witnessed a crime by a parahuman. Attempting to apprehend a villain is not something we advise new capes to attempt." Armsmaster paused. "You are a parahuman, correct?"

"Yeah, and so is Hobbes." She held up the stuffed tiger in her other hand for him to see. "He's shy around strangers, though."

Armsmaster's HUD was blank. Huh. He'd have to check on that later. He decided to wing it. "And what are your powers?" He asked.

The cape smiled. "I am the Defender of Liberty and Advocate of Freedom, Stupendous Woman! I have ultra-sonic hearing, flight, and a stomach of steel! I also have stupendous powers of reasoning, concentration, and muscles of magnitude!"

Again, his HUD came up blank. This was a really inconvenient time for it to go on the fritz. He thought he'd fixed that connection earlier. Not knowing what else to say, he simply asked, "Who do you claim to have captured?"

"You know, that's a good question. The only name I could get out of him was 'Quack.' Although, it could just as easily be 'Pack,' or 'Mack' or 'Jack,' or 'Oack.' Duck's not really my strong suit, you see. I speak tiger much better."

Armsmaster was silent for some time. "I'm unsure as to whether or not we can classify a duck as a supervillain."

"He's not a duck. I just changed him into a duck," the Stupendous Woman said.

"Right," said Armsmaster.

"He'll get better," she said, defensively. "Anyway, you shouldn't leave him in this cage too long. The transmogrification will wear off in a bit, and if he's still in the cage when that happens, it might get messy."

That set the duck off on another round of quacking, drawing Armsmaster's attention. When he looked up, the front door to the lobby was closing, and the cape was gone. He stared down at the duck, which shrugged.

He sighed. Sometimes, it didn't pay to get out of bed. Not knowing what else to do, Armsmaster picked up the cage and carried the duck with him. "Initiate Master/Stranger protocols." This could be a prank, but it never hurt to be safe.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

"Well, that went well." Hobbes was walking beside me, hands laced behind his head as we casually strolled down the street. I'd taken off my costume, reverting back to mild-mannered Taylor Hebert.

Taylor smiled. "Didn't it? I mean, I thought this heroing business was supposed to be hard."

"Pfft. It's pretty easy, honestly. The problem is, nobody takes it seriously," Hobbes said. Then his stomach growled loudly enough for me to hear it.

"Tuna time?" I asked.

"You wouldn't have had to feed me if you'd just let me eat that guy." Hobbes replied.

"I'm not having this argument again. I'm a super hero. I'm not going to allow you to eat anyone."

"The whole point of this is that you stalk and overrun your enemies so that you can devour them."

"Riiiight. Anyway, I know a good burger joint. Want to go?" Hobbes reluctantly agreed, and climbed into my backpack so as to remain incognito. We'd discussed it earlier – as much as Hobbes wanted to run free, it wouldn't do for people to connect mild-mannered Taylor Hebert with Stupendous Woman.

Fugly Bob's was the go to place for a burger and a helping of arterial plaque. I chose a booth in the back away from the windows, and when no one was looking let Hobbes hop out of my backpack and into the booth next to me. I slid afterwards, and by the time we'd gotten situated the waitress came up with a pad and an attitude. I ordered a burger, medium rare and fries. When it came, she asked, "Excuse me – is this made from people from Hamburg?"

The waitress looked at me as if she were crazy. "Of course not," she said. "It's made from ground beef."

"You mean I have to eat a cow?" I pushed the burger back across the table. "I don't think I can finish this…"

The waitress just gave me a stare. It looked remarkably like my mom's used to.

Hobbes spoke up. "I'll eat it!"

I snatched it back before he could get his grubby paws on it.

I took a bite, and swallowed. "Hmm… This bite wasn't so bad. I mean, I was able to choke it down, at least. My stomach is still cramping and I'll pay for this tomorrow, but I guess if I suppress the gag reflex and swallow, I can stand it."

The waitress asked if I wanted anything else. I ordered a tuna sandwich for Hobbes, no bread. The waitress jotted down the order and left without another word, clearly eager to put in the order. I'm sure she was counting on a big tip by being so helpful.

When the tuna came, Hobbes devoured it in no time. He then proceeded to sprawl out in the booth, pushing against me and generally being obnoxious. I managed to choke down the rest of the hamburger before Hobbes stretched and pushed me out of the booth.

I would not stand for this! I pounced.

When the waitress came back to bring the bill, I was scratched up and breathing heavily, looking like I'd just gone twelve rounds with a heavyweight boxer, which wasn't far from the truth. Hobbes, of course, was sleeping soundly.

The waitress gave me a funny look. "What happened to you?"

"My friend and I had a frank exchange of ideas."

Armsmaster stood shoulder to shoulder with Piggot, observing the duck as it waddled around the observation room and poked at the various furnishings with its beak. A few of the wards were there as well, similarly watching the duck through the one way mirror.

"Tell me again why we have a duck in observation?" Director Piggot asked.

"Master/Stranger protocols." Armsmaster replied.

"I understand the protocols," she ground out. "I'm asking you why a duck is subject to them."

"A cape brought in the duck this morning," he said. "It was sufficiently bizarre as to trigger the protocols."

"We have no proof the individual was anything beyond deranged," she said. "I cannot believe you think this is worth wasting the collective time of the PRT for this."

"Protocols state that…" he began.

"I know what the protocols state. I'm telling you that if it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, and quacks like a duck, it's a duck." She said.

"Well, we could always test that. If we could find a witch, we could put the duck on a balance to see if it is really a duck. We could always use Shadow Stalker to test it, if we can't find a witch," Kid Win supplied.

Piggot stared at him. "Are you done?" Kid Win's smile died. Piggot sniffed, and turned back to Armsmaster.

"I want this duck gone, and I want you to stop wasting my time."

Armsmaster frowned but didn't say anything. Piggot's inability to grasp the fundamentals of the ways of science was not his concern. There were ways to comply according to the letter of the law while still maintaining the strict requirements of the protocols.

Armsmaster strode into the cell and stuffed the duck back into the cage before it could escape. He found an unoccupied room and left the duck there with a camera trained on it, as per protocol.

"We're home!"

Silence greeted my declaration. I walked in the back door, and called out again. Walking through the kitchen, I ended up calling a third time, only to see my dad on the couch, still drinking.

"Well?"

"So you're home." The crack of another can opening punctuated his statement.

"Dad, you love me, right?"

Dad sighed. "Honey… what did you do?"


	4. Chapter 4

"It came!" Danny barely had time to blink before Taylor snatched the box out of his hand and ran upstairs. "Come on, Hobbes!"

Danny opened his mouth to say something, but decided it better to not get involved. "I just live here." He said.

* * *

"Yes!" I plugged in the helmet to the newly completed Cerebral Enhance-O-Tron, making sure the ground wire was properly secured.

I offered the helmet to Hobbes. "You want to go first?"

"Do you think that's a good idea?"

"Good point." With that, I plopped the helmet on my head. A thousand ideas suddenly flooded my brain. "Oooooh! This gives me a fabulous idea!"

"Uh oh." Hobbes said.

* * *

"Hi!" I waved at the blond girl who was contemplating two different jackets on the sale rack.

The girl looked at me, and gave me a quick once over. Her eyes crossed, and she briefly held her hand to her forehead before favoring me with a sort of sickly grin. "Can I help you?"

"Yes, in fact, you can. My friend and I were having a philosophical discussion, and we could not come to an accord on whether or not a moral law exists in the universe beyond mere human convention."

I held up my water balloon.

"In order to determine if there is any moral law beyond human convention, I have devised the following test. I will throw this water balloon at you unless I receive some sign within the next 30 seconds that this is wrong."

"Seriously?" the girl asked. "You're just going to wander up to some random girl and hit her with a water balloon? What is wrong with you?"

"It is within the universe's power to stop me. I'll accept any remarkable physical happenstance as I sign that I shouldn't do this." I glanced down at my watch. "Okay, and… go!"

"You have serious issues," the girl said.

"Five seconds left! Nothing's happening!"

"You're serious." The girl started backing away from me. "Really – hey, don't…!"

"Times up! That proves it! No moral law! HA AHAHHHAHAHAHA!

Sploosh.

The girl just stared at me. I stared at her.

Nothing happened.

"See? Proves my point."

With that, I walked away.

* * *

Brian did a double take when Lisa, resident thinker and know it all, walked up the stairs to the Undersider's loft dripping water.

"Whoa, what happened to you, Tattletale?" He asked.

Tattletale just flipped him the finger, then smirked.

"Hey, that wasn't necessary! I was just asking!" She could tell that Brian was now upset as well. Tattletale smirked. Nothing helped a bad mood like spreading it.

* * *

"Hi Boss." Tattletale picked up the phone before it even rang, having anticipated the call.

"Tattletale. What do you have for me?"

"Tattletale. What do you find?"

"Honestly? I met someone who just… doesn't make sense."

"I found a girl. Absolutely batshit crazy. However, I can't read her. My powers just went haywire when I tried to figure out what she was doing."

"Oh? Should I be concerned?"

"Interesting. Describe her for me."

"No. I'm pretty sure she's just crazy."

"Tall. Long curly brown hair. Very thin. Was wearing jeans and a striped shirt."

"Thank you. Keep an eye on her, and let me know if you get more information."

"Find her. I want to know more."

Tattletale hung up and sighed. Sometimes, she hated her job.

* * *

Coil hung up the phone, and collapsed the timeline. He split his timelines again. In one, he continued to watch the duck in a cage through the PRT backdoor. In the other, he went back home to have dinner.


End file.
